BUILDING SELF-CONFIDENCE
Lloyd Thomas, Ph.D.

 

Lacking self-confidence can be a paralysing disability. People who suffer from a lack of self-confidence miss out on so much they could otherwise experience. Their lack of confidence keeps them from behaving in ways that would optimise their chances of receiving what they want in life.

 

Not feeling confident about yourself probably stems from a variety of experiences in childhood. Over-protection, over-control, ridicule, inconsistent or harsh punishment, and regular criticism of a child breeds poor self-confidence. And when a child lacks confidence, he or she behaves in ways that tend to confirm their felt powerlessness or inadequacy.

If you suffer from a lack of self-confidence, then here are some suggestions which might help you develop your confidence level.

 

1.       Take the time to REALISTICALLY identify your strengths and your weaknesses. You couldn't have survived as long as you have without any abilities or strengths. Discover what they are.

 

2.       Set small and large goals in your life which are in accordance with your strengths, abilities, talents, as well as limits and weaknesses. Make certain your goals are what you really desire.

 

3.       Learn to understand and forgive anyone in your past who has hurt you in some way. Realise that you have no need to keep negative memories alive and well. Let go of all memories of yourself that are negative, and replace them with memories of who you are and what you have accomplished...no matter how minor those accomplishments.

 

4.       Give up all self-pity parties. They only reinforce your memories of you as inadequate in some way. While your cleaning out all self-pity, toss out guilt and shame as well.

 

5.       Realise the past is dead and cannot be changed. Only the present moment is real and you can change how you think, feel, & behave right now. Nothing is stopping you from making the changes you desire within yourself.

 

6.       Look for the influences on your personal situation that are not personal defects in you. Identify the social, physical, economic and political problems which contribute to your situation, rather than noting all your personal defects you think you have.

 

7.       Remind yourself continuously that there are as many viewpoints in the world as there are people. And each one of them is real to the person who has it as yours is to you. Tolerate and become curious about your own frame of reference as well as that of others. This allows you to become more accepting of what appears to be rejections, insults, or put-downs.

 

8.       Never repeat negative messages about yourself in your head...like "Gee, I'm stupid", or phrases which include negative attributes such as "ugly," "failure," "no-damn good," or "bad." Stop criticising yourself and don't accept others criticism of you when it is not meant to be helpful, only hurtful.

 

9.       Remember that failure or disappointments today, may be blessings tomorrow. Maybe the job you didn't get today allows you to accept a better one tomorrow. Maybe you learn many valuable lessons from your mistakes of today. No one succeeds without having first failed.

 

10.    Avoid associating with people who are always down on life, themselves, you, and the world. If you can't feel more worthwhile around them, stay away.

 

11.    Give yourself time to relax, meditate, listen to yourself, think, play, plan, and enjoy activities which bring you pleasure.

 

12.    Practice socialising with others. Reach out and contact others. Let them know you want to be a friend and need a friend as well. We all need friends to feel good about ourselves. Let go of little hurts and resentments quickly. Life is too short to clutter it up with all kinds of historical-hurt collections. Besides your ego is tougher than you might think. You won't break if you stay open to others.