THE ROAD OF FORGIVENESS By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

Forgiveness is not just a religious doctrine.  It is a skill necessary for your personal and psychological health.  It is a skillful art that is critical to living well.  It is a road we need to travel again and again if we are to remain happy.

We often believe that forgiveness is for the benefit of the person who has offended us.  Not true!  It is for the benefit of the forgiver.  In his book, "Forgive and Forget," Lewis B. Smedes has written, "Forgiveness is outrageous.  When we do it, we commit an outrage against the strict morality that will not rest with anything short of an even score.  It is creative...for we create a new beginning out of [our] past pain that never had a right to exist in the first place." Creating a new beginning out of our personal pain benefits us more than anyone else.  Forgiveness seems even more difficult when the offender doesn't apologize, or when he may not even be aware that he hurt you. Forgiveness seems impossible when physical or emotional distance makes reconciliation appear unattainable.  When your injury runs so deep that it affects your whole life, forgiveness demands enormous courage.

When we don't forgive, old anger and pain keep bubbling up into our lives, creating resentment, guilt and general unhappiness.  If you find yourself saying again and again, "I just can't forgive.  That injustice is just too great," consider well the painful consequences to your own emotional life that you will maintain or make even worse.

When Pope John Paul II decided to visit his would-be assassin, Lance Morrow was moved to write, "Not to forgive is to be imprisoned by the past, by old grievances that do not permit life to proceed with new business.  Not to forgive is to yield oneself to another's control...to be locked into a sequence of act and response, of outrage and revenge, tit for tat, escalating always.  The present is endlessly overwhelmed and devoured by the past.  Forgiveness frees the forgiver.  It extracts the forgiver from someone else's nightmare."

How do we go about becoming familiar with the road of forgiveness?
Perhaps the following suggestions will be useful.

Remember that forgiveness is not a sudden, quick event.  No more than a physical wound instantly heals with the application of a bandage; forgiveness does not occur in a single moment of tear-streaked reunion.  Forgiveness is a journey.  It is a process. So learn to be patient and persistent as you travel the road of forgiveness with the end of the journey, the freedom and internal peace, kept firmly in the forefront of your mind.

Bring to mind the offense.  Remember it.  It may be easy to forget the little hurts and inconveniences of daily living.  It is painful to remember the major wounds and tragedies.  But to forget and repress such memories only drives them underground in your psyche where they fester and re-emerge in ways which damage you and your relationships. You cannot forgive what you refuse to remember.  Sure, remembering may be painful.  So be caring and gentle with yourself.  And remember in small amounts.  With remembering comes greater understanding.

Recall the consequences of the injury.  The shattered relationship, the pain, the loss or losses, and the material or psychological setback.  What part of you was lost that you would like to recover in order to make yourself whole once again?

                 
Consciously decide to forgive.  I know parents of a young child who was raped and brutally murdered.  When they got past the usual denial of that unbearable injustice, they remembered the event with all its horror.  Only then could they decide to forgive or not.  Face that decision squarely.  Do you really want to forgive?  Do you want to live a life of continued anger, pain and resentment?  When anger and hatred have been living in our hearts for any length of time, we become used to them.  We may even grow to like our "grudges" and our hatreds.  At least they become familiar.

Finally, write down the anticipated consequences of forgiving.  What are the benefits to you?  Write out what difference forgiving will make in your life.  What will you gain?  What will you lose?  Then decide to do something in a forgiving way.  Contact the offender. Repair the damage as best you can.  Step by step, move to the compassionate position of wishing well to the person who hurt you.  At that point, you will know you have reached the end of your journey. Forgiving can be a long, painful journey.  The destination of freedom and new life for you, makes the trip worthwhile.

 

Forgiveness

Why is it hard to forgive others? Usually because we believe that they are 90% to blame for the problem, that I am not as bad as they are. So I start to carry the load of other people's actions. If my ego is too hurt, I will have the sense of correction, of justice: 'I know I am right', 'That is not fair'. But if I start to forgive from the heart, sincerely, I remain humble and this forgiveness will bring me closer to others. Then I do not carry regrets or anger, I just let go and remain light.